I am Afraid

 It took me a month to get over

A 3 month relationship

One that was manipulative

But I still loved him.

Even for such a short time.

I know, 

God I know,

But I cannot control

How fast I fall!

He was gentle at first

That’s how he drew me in

But he became aggressive

Controlling

Possessive.

He made me dependent

Until I fell ill,

When I needed him most.

I was so sick

I was stuck in a bed 

for weeks

And it was during then

That he called to tell me

Just to tell me

He didn’t want me anymore.

It took a whole other year 

After falling in love again

With you

A whole year

Of our relationship

For you to help me

Just to move past 

All that he did wrong.

Dear god

And all those other years 

That I fought

(I fought so hard!)

 So that I could believe

You wouldn’t leave me too.

You promised me 

(You promised me!)

You would never be the same

The same kind of monster

Who treated me like he did.

And to that promise 

you stayed,

But that

That right there

That is what hurts the most

Because I fought for so long

For so damn long

To believe we were stable

That you would not leave me

That I would not lose you

That our love was enough.

But I was wrong.

We grew up

And grew apart

No matter how much 

we would love each other.

You just had

To make me love you.

You just had 

to be perfect

to be a good man

So that I had no reason

None at all

To fall out of love

So that if you left

it would be that much harder

To move on from you.

I had a wall up for so long

So that I wouldn’t get hurt,

At least not again.

You made me believe 

That it was okay

To take that wall down

And for nothing.

Because we grew up,

We became more mature

Just to fight every day

Because our opinions shifted

As we grew into adults.

We are no longer children

Who falsely believed in love

And that love is all it takes.

Because it just isn’t

Because we still love each other

But fear resentment

We fear being around one another

For fear of another fight

Another argument

Another day

Another issue

Another mental breaking point.

I secretly would rather

That you were abusive

So that I could hate you

And not wonder why,

Why we couldn’t work

Why love was not enough

Why we even fought at all

When we loved each other so much.

It would have been so much easier

For me to move on

If you weren’t 

just…(say it!)

Just so god damed perfect!

If you weren’t a good man

If you didn’t care so much

If you weren’t so different

So different

From all the rest.

You said we had to make a choice

And we chose to stay

But now I feel 

just like I did

After my first break up

From all those years ago

Where my heart was shattered.

Not because he left me,

But because he wanted to.

And because he wanted to,

He did.

You did not necessarily want to

But you are mature

And you knew it would be better

Healthier even

If we cut it off

Only If 

there was nothing more

That we could give

To fix 

To heal

All that has shattered between us.

And we agreed

There was still something left.

That spark had dwindled,

Withered even,

and suffered greatly,

But it did. not. die.

And so

We are trying it again

But I can no longer try it again

Without the fear

The fear of you wanting to leave

Like he wanted to leave

Like you had enough

Of me

Of us.

God that fucking fear

That I fought so hard

that we fought so hard

To no longer be something

I was afraid of.

We are back to square one

To the start

To the beginning

Of all that progress

That we made on me

We are back to the beginning 

Where it could all end again.

I am torn

Between my options

As I lie awake

At night

In tears.

Some options I know

And others I don’t

Like putting that wall back

But I know deep down

I would be wrong 

to put that wall back up.

But if I don’t,

If I don’t protect myself,

I will not survive 

Not 

If that spark goes out.

Permanently.

Not again.

Not this time.

Not when all I’ve ever wanted

I already have

With you.