Pleasure in the Pain

I can’t remember when I last felt okay.

Left hanging on all the words they say.

A lie sold as a promise to be free,

A false hand stretched out for me.

I fell for it ‘cause tears can cloud the eye,

I reached up but they still left me to die,

But when you’re stuck in hell’s control,

The grim reaper can’t reach your soul.

Every once in a while, someone looks around.

But they can’t see me sinking; mud-bound.

I used to scream in hopes I’d be set free,

But the piercing echo lives to mock me.

They look at me but fade into the day,

All because it’s easier to walk away,

Then to face the truth, to understand,

To throw me a rope and grab my hand.

Frozen in time, buried under the debris,

Blood pounding the cavity within me.

This is my home now and I guess it’s okay,

I was never meant to see the light of day.

So I’m left to hear the voices in my head,

Saying over and over “I wish I was dead.”

Down here the thin air is so cold,

Yet I know that I feel nothing at all.

Scratches and bruises are to feel,

Because I don’t know what’s real.

I wish I didn’t tread into the dark,

Now these scars are my watermark.

 

The pleasure is exposed from pain,

Every time I cut open the vein.

It feels so good, I just can’t explain.

Does this mean I’ve gone insane?

I confuse heinous thinking with love to attain,

A pursuit for extracting pleasure from the pain.

Black Widow

Do ever wonder why I left so quickly?

After all you think you’ve picked for me?

Do you know why I left without a goodbye?

Do really think that I never fucking try?

I keep spinning this web with a loom

I use to pull myself out of the tomb

That you dug me in, so why can’t you see?

All these things that you have done to me?

I keep my love alive with all of my spinning,

Despite all your efforts to keep it thinning.

I push harder and harder, all by myself,

To the point where I neglect my own health.

What the world sees is me as the villain,

But they don’t know how much you’re killing

All that I’ve weaved, to sew up the cracks,

Hoping one day soon I could just relax.

But no, you keep me working till I’m burned,

Only for my webs to be shredded; overturned.

For you ignore all the things I push through,

And still wonder why I must be rid of you.

Priorities

Piles of books lie

where the mountain of 

responsibility hides. I am lost

in the depths of my 

unwillingness to fulfil the desires of 

others. One in which I have grown 

to accept as my own.

The anxiety cripples my will

to fulfill, to change,

to finish what I started.

My priorities lie where they should

not, but my heart cannot decide 

what they are. Something I must learn

to understand.

I am so close to completion, but I 

have not begun just yet. Something

begs me to at least try,

but another doesn't understand why

I would care to in the first place.

It is here that I have discovered,

I gave up long ago. 

Chameleon

 Blending in,

Through her skin,

With a marvelous glow.

In the night,

Or in the light,

Her colors don’t show.

Plain as day,

tucked away.

Hidden in plain sight.

Will she cry,

wonder why,

No one sees her blight?

Is she home?

Does she roam?

Does she mean to lie?

Is she alone?

Is she unknown?

Could anyone identify?

Is she wrong?

Does she belong?

Does she even want to be shone?

Can she understand?

Written in the sand?

Or is the truth cast into stone?

Beneath the Surface

Roots are not in sight

In the light,

In all their might.

Room to grow,

Undertow,

Secrets to know.

They are the key,

Set free,

Under the tree.

Connection

White tile floor, yellow walls,

Looking at the only one who knows.

Your eyes are telling me a story,

What loneliness does when it grows.

You take me back four years,

when you walked in the door,

You wanted to start over,

You wanted something more.

You tried so hard to find a friend,

One would have been enough.

But you know how the story ends,

And it ended pretty rough.

Yeah you found some people,

But they let you down hard,

Some were never really there,

And the rest left you scarred.

The others don’t get you,

No one else can understand,

how these different people were,

Too far away to take your hand.

No one acts the same way,

And no one thinks like you.

When everything’s different,

No one sees what you can do.

Everyone tells you you’re okay,

They say you’re just more mature,

But honestly when I look at you,

I’m just not so sure.

Why does it have to be so hard,

Why can’t I make a connection?

I can’t find what I am looking for,

I can’t fill this hole in my reflection. 

They say after the night,

Will come the sun.

But there’s seven billion people 

And I’m the only one.

The Wart

I once had a wart on my dominant hand,

With oozing white puss my mom couldn’t stand.

But I liked watching the skin decay,

And slowly peel off every single day.

With blood that bubbled underneath,

I wanted to rip it off with my teeth,

But my mom said an absolute “no,

To the doctor we shall go”

So I let the doctor take a squeeze,

After a little nitrogen freeze.

It sizzled and burned before it was numb,

The little wart had no choice but to succumb.

And after only one single day,

I impatiently ripped it off anyway.

Ever since then, I understand,

To keep clean my writing hand.

Reminiscence

Why did she try?

Every time she heard her heart cry,

She told herself another lie,

Against the values she lived by,

Yes, I know why she’d try.

Why did she try to fit in?

When all she saw was girls so thin,

And all the games she couldn’t win,

She hid behind a false grin,

Yes, I know why she wanted to fit in.

Why did she care what they’d think?

When they made her want to shrink,

For all their kindness that took a jink,

Which she remembered in ink.

Yes I know why she cared what they’d think.

Why do I remember this old part of me?

When I think about how to be,

A better person who can see,

That originality is the key,

Yes I know why I remember to be free.

The Drum

 Dum, dum, dum,

slow beating of the drum

Rit, rit, rit,

Ripping the skin off my thumb.

goose bumps rising on my skin,

Anticipation of what’s to begin.

Dum, dum, dum

Louder, louder still this strum.

Skrit, skrit, skrit,

The scraping of my cerebrum.

Tossing, turning the pain within,

My breast made of porcelain.

Dum, dum, dum,

The beast’s summon to become,

Slit, slit, slit,

His claws digging till the rind is numb.

Deeper, deeper, past the tissue thin,

I am swallowed by it’s sinister grin.

Born in Different Generations

Max sighed, he was absolutely bored. He checked his watch, 8:24 AM. He stood outside his sister's apartment, waiting for her to come out so that they could make it to their 9:00 AM meeting. He hadn’t seen his sister in a year, but she decided now was the time to work for the same company he was, without her own car. Apparently she totaled her last car and was waiting for the insurance claim to help pay for a new one. She asked him for a loan to get a new car, but after not paying him back in the past, he declined.

For Max, life was just fine until he turned 15, when his spoiled little sister was born. Born in an age of change, she was always trying to have the newest and shiniest things. He felt they were always opposites. Of course Max loved her, as was obligated between siblings, but it was a struggle to even see a resemblance between them. She loved the latest complex gadget, but he liked the simplicity in life. As she’s liking an instagram photo of a sunset, he’d much rather be there in the moment. She’d just complain about the temperature or the bugs. He always wanted to put 110% in his work, she only seemed to want to put in just enough to pass. But worst of all, his sister was notorious for being late, and it took a toll on her last few jobs. She was just lucky that his boss liked Max, and hired her for that reason. He was not going to let her be late today, even though she was supposed to be ready and out the door at 8:20. He walked up the steps to the second floor and knocked on her door, labeled “2B”. No response. He pounded on it again, this time much harder. The cheap siding shook violently. Once again, no response. Max pulled out his phone, flipped it open and dialed her number. He put it to his ear, waiting for the ringing to stop and for his sister to answer. After a few moments, she did.

“Ugh why are you calling me? I’m getting ready now.”

“It’s going to take thirty minutes at the least to get there, we should have left by now.”

“Okay but like, can’t you just text me that you’re here and waiting?”

“I don’t need to. Now hurry up.”

He snapped his phone shut. Moments later, his sister opened the door and groaned. It had been a year, and she had changed quite a bit. Her makeup was so caked onto her face she was orange, and Max thought it pointless if it only changed her skin color to that of a tangerine. She had a wireless bud sticking out of her ear, and nails so long she looked ready to claw someone. 

“You should have just waited in the car for me, Max.”

“You wouldn’t have known I was here.”

“Duh. That’s why you text me ‘here’. Easy.” Max ignored her snarky tone and motioned to the stairs. As soon as they were in his car, she was transfixed onto her smartphone, tapping almost violently on the screen. Her nails clanked against the glass. He was going to put the car in gear but froze.

“Put your seatbelt on.” He grumbled.

“Why?” She asked, her eyes and fingertips still glued to the phone. “Yesterday my friend Sarah posted a story that talked about how seat belts are actually useless. They’re just a myth.”

“Put your seatbelt on.” Max repeated, ignoring her.

“Fine.” She reached around and pulled the belt over her lap and chest. Click. “Happy now?”

Max ignored her again and drove off. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and tossed it to his sister, but it landed in her lap.

“Call my boss, tell him we might be late.”

“Ew, is this a flip phone? Why do you even have this?”

“It’s a phone, it makes calls.”

“But it takes you forever to send a text on these things. You gotta get an iPhone or something.”

“Don’t need it, this works just fine. Why would I need to send lengthy texts when I can just call?”

“How do you even access social media? The internet in general?”

“My computer. Don’t really need social media.”

“But like, what about checking in with friends? Or how do you check things on the go?”

“I can just meet up with them and no one needs to be on the internet when on the go.”

“What if you don’t know where to find a restaurant and need to follow a map.”

Max tapped at the screen attached to the car. “GPS” He said. “But rarely do I need it. All you gotta do is tell me where it is and I know how to get there. I don’t travel far.”

“How could you possibly know where every road and store and restaurant is?”

“It’s not hard to just remember what roads are where and what places are on what roads.”

“Oh my god that is way too much extra effort. How do you even listen to music?”

“It’s really not that much effort. My car has a radio and I can download mp3 files onto my phone if I really wanted to.”

“No, you need to get rid of this. You can’t do anything on it. I’m gonna call our boss on my phone. You can take this back.”

She threw the phone back at him, but he caught it in the one hand that was on his lap and set it in the cup holder. He sighed once more, it was going to be a long day.

I Regret How I Let You Go

Cold air lingers as I try not to remember,

Only pushing you away from what we then were. 

Listen to me carefully, I had to walk away for me,

Though I wish I hadn’t done it so horribly.

On those last few days, when I spoke to you,

Nothing made me regret more then what I put you through.

Because I did it in a way that was beyond wrong.

Like a bird with no vocals trying to sing a song.

Over text on our final days you were hurt the most,

On everyday that followed, I was just your ghost.

My heart could never give a worthy-enough apology.

-Yours truly, from what’s left inside of me.

Ghost

 These voices are talking,

The shadows are walking,

The walls that surround me,

Know everything about me.

The whispers are screaming,

And darkness is beaming,

The opposite becomes real

When I don’t know how to feel.

Emptiness overflows my tank,

My canvas of words is blank,

Feeling nothing is too much

Even when evil isn’t touched.

These bottles stuffed with pills,

Cost more than their bills.

Numbing my head to it’s core,

A ghost of who I was before.

Reality is blown out of proportion,

It’s frozen in a state of distortion.

In a moment of brief panic,

The Empty becomes a permanent manic.

Yes, I fell for society’s trap,

‘Cause the empty is even more a handicap.

Yes, I’ll keep what hurts me the most,

Cause letting it go means becoming a ghost.

The Kraken

 Black hollow eyes of doom,

Staring down the throat of the beast,

Death approaches closer,

The monster eager to engulf his feast.

My mind now is empty,

There is no thought left to think,

The end has finally come,

As my last ship sinks.

Surrounded by a sea on fire,

I have come to accept my fate.

At the bottom of his gaping mouth,

Is the entrance to Hell’s gate.

So I will leap forward,

As my heart has done before.

For if I am to die here,

There will be no war.

I sense his teeth pierce,

My crimson flesh burns from the attack.

My bones begin to crackle,

And the world behind me fades to black.

Alone

 A lone wolf in a foreign world, lost.

Thoughts become a tornado,

Spinning in circles, dizzy,

Sad silence seeps through, alone inside.

The hurricane within screams and whistles,

Till it crashes, burns and dies.

Afraid

 Afraid to let go,

Afraid to know,

Afraid of things I can’t face,

Afraid of truth in it’s case.

Afraid I won’t know what to do,

I’m afraid to lose you.

Homeward Bound

A howl of wind

comes to meet

the Waves. Briskly,

in violent measures,

they threaten a lonely

ship, who begs Poseidon

To take her home. In

A flash, the world grows still,

And yet the waters remain

unchained. Unhinged,

the chaotic sea speaks

until a song stills the air.

The sweet call of Serenity,

from the depths of the foreign.

The beauty in the voice fills 

the sails, guiding the ship

to the bottom of the unknown.

Swallows by Poseidon’s

waves, the ship destiny is revealed,

hidden and forever resting in tranquility.

Mirror Mirror

 Mirror, mirror

Left abandoned on the wall

Mirror, mirror

How many punches ‘til you fall

You slip through the cracks of the mirror

In hopes that your reflection is a bit clearer 

And you know it’s seven years for this sin

But you still want to know what is within

Mirror, mirror

Tell me what I want to know

Mirror, mirror

Why can’t I just let her go?

The women you see you don’t recognize,

Because her image is that of all lies.

You tell the world silly jokes and pretend to be fun,

But take a look at her and see now what you’ve done.

Mirror, mirror 

It’s not just about my identity.

Mirror, mirror

I want to know why I am me.

If you can’t tell yourself, then how could the mirror know?

You don’t try to look to yourself, so how can you grow?

You wallow in the why but never in the now,

And in doing so, you will never know how.

Mirror, mirror

There is nothing to tell

Mirror, mirror

I don’t know how I fell.

Then why would you want to be here,

To the mirror without facing your fear?

You only ever take one quick look,

So you will never see what it took.

Mirror, mirror,

What am I to do?

Mirror, Mirror,

How am I to get through?

All mountains are excruciating to climb,

And it’s not fast, it’ll take quite some time.

But once you reach the highest peak,

You will know you only ever needed to speak.

Depressive Disorder

 I cannot feel you

Because I can’t feel anything.

You say you’re here in spirit,

But I only feel the emptying.

I keep falling down,

This dark rabbit hole. 

And this nothingness

Is taking it’s toll.

I’m breaking down,

And I can’t even stand,

On my own two feet,

Ruining everything planned.

I can’t get out of bed,

I can’t eat or drink,

I just sleep for hours

‘Cause I’m scared to wake and think.

Confined in my own head,

A prison I built myself,

Malnourished and dying, 

I no longer care about my health.

The lonely erodes me. 

In the pit of my abdomen.

It’s harder to breathe,

When the walls are caving in.

I am drowning in my own tears, 

That stain my cheeks,

Their salt fills my nostril’s

And the stench reeks.

I can smell the pain,

That boils under my skin,

And I smell the death,

That’s trying to win.

I am too far gone,

And there is no way back.

The grim reaper awaits,

From the will to live I lack.