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Utopia

 The gentle air, squirrels in the trees,

The birds in the sky, all flying free.

This is the world I want to see,

This is the place that I want to be.

The neighbors smile, nature chatters away,

The sun that sets on this beautiful day.

This I want and I want it this way,

Like yarn to a cat and a horse to it’s hay.

A heart that glows with the man I love,

All the happiness and hope that I dream of,

Like a blessing that comes from above,

I want this life, this joy hereof.

I want to laugh with family, with friends,

I want to know that the fun never ends,

I want a world where no one pretends,

And nothing ever has to mend.

This is the world I only get to see,

When I close my eyes and drift to sleep,

A treasured memory I will keep,

Till the end of my days, when death creeps.

Serenity

 “Find land surrounded by sea,

Strike a match, throw down the key.

You know you’ll never be free,

If you don’t burn what’s left of me”

My words inside, an echo she hears,

Put down on paper, covered in tears.

She gathered the words then found a box,

She put them inside, guarded by a lock.

When the sun set, she sailed away,

To bury the box, till the dawn of day.

But that key remained within her hand,

Till years later when she found new land.

The heartache, the pain pushed aside,

It broke free, she could no longer hide.

She held on too tight only to know,

That one day, she must let me go.

So she found land surrounded by sea,

Struck a match and threw down the key,

As it melted away, she could finally breathe,

Because now she’s forgotten about me.

I Told Mom on You

 I told mom on you,

I told her all the things you do.

Just because you’re older,

Doesn’t mean you get to be colder.

When you treat me bad,

You have no reason to be mad.

But you take it all out on me,

And all the others here see.

I wonder what did I ever do,

To earn all the hatred I get from you?

We were supposed to work together,

Like a family would forever. 

But now I dread every day.

When I have to hear what you say.

And I feel bad  for telling mom the truth, 

And playing the part of her little sleuth.

Cause honestly I never wanted to,

But I want a real sister, not you.

I wish that you and I could smile,

When we look at each other once in a while.

Instead you order me around,

And wont let me make a sound.

Anything that I try to do,

Seems to just annoy you.

I just want to do my job,

But you think this little sister is a slob.

I do all that I can to please,

What can’t you believe me?

I know that you are the older one,

And I respect that, it’s been said and done.

But you take advantage of that power,

And with you it feels like my last hour.

Because when I’m alone at night,

I don’t feel like everything will be alright.

You say that I was just wasting your time,

But it took two minutes, was that a crime?

We finished up at exactly 9:30,

So why must you do me dirty?

I love you big sister, more than you know,

But I know you wouldn’t believe me so,

I told mom on you,

So I could hear “I love you too”.

Sister

 Sister,

Show me that you care.

Sister,

Instead of treating me like this.

Sister,

Show me that your are sorry.

Sister,

The day that you hit me.

Sister,

Even though you wont change.

Sister,

Remember that you should.

Nothing

 i feel Nothing.

no Regret,

no Pain,

no Reason to keep going.

no thinking,

no breathing,

frozen in the Moment.

no speaking,

no listening,

She doesn't try to understand.

my Fear,

rises high,

when I look in Her eyes.

the Professional

should never

make Her patient cry.

but She did,

because i did,

from the ice in Her voice.

i didn't take

the Blood Test,

when She wanted me to. 

i didn't know

it would affect

as much as it did.

but She Screamed,

and She Insulted,

and made me feel like Nothing.

i Cried

and Apologized,

i did so over and over.

She continued,

She Threatened,

She made me fear Her.

She told me.

She told Them,

Everyone at the Practice.

I caught Her

red-handed

complaining about me.

to Coworkers

to Receptionists

Family and Friends too.

a simple Mistake,

that i corrected,

was clearly never Forgotten.

She Hurt me

even more

than the reason i see Her.

and last time

that last Session

She spent all our Time

to Complain

to Bash

other Patients of Hers

instead of Helping

of Listening

as i paid Her for.

She was Cold

and Angry

and i blame myself.

for Forgetting

and Letting 

the Words get in my head.

i'm Afraid

to Hurt

every time i see Her

i'm Afraid

my Vulnerability

becomes Her greatest Weapon.

to Control

to Abuse

the Power She has over me.

and just

when i decide

to find someone better

She pulls me

so close

with carefully sweet words

so that i

Blame myself

and seek Redemption in Her

She makes

me feel

that no one else wants me.

that She

only She

is patient enough with me.

and that i

could never

replace Her with another.

i'm Scared

to Disappoint

a doctor that worsens my condition

so that now

i cannot feel

anything more than this.

i feel Nothing.

i see Nothing.

i hear Nothing.

i am Nothing.

 

21

 

Another year goes by,

And I’m now 21,

Time always catches me,

When I try to run.

 

As they party all night,

And rack up their beers,

I’m sober and alone,

Collecting all my tears.

 

I don’t really understand,

Why I’m not overjoyed,

And instead I think of

All that I destroyed.

 

The people in my life,

The ones it hurts to think of.

The people who destroy

All that I love.

 

All the dreams I had,

All the hope I made,

All that childlike joy,

That never stayed.

 

I’m a year older now,

And it’s supposed to be my prime.

Like the peak of a mountain.

Long before it’s time.

 

But that last hour draws near,

As the sand sinks down.

Slowly, but I am sure,

That I am to drown.

 

There’s no rewind,

Nor a way to turn back.

So here I sit and wait,

Till it all fades to black.